And... HERE WE GO...

This is EXACTLY what I am talking about. I posit this question: How do we ever expect to bring midwifery and doula care to the mainstream when we are determined to act like spoiled hippie brats??

This article appeared in my FB feed this morning. I know my stance on this will be unpopular but it stems for my desire for FACTS number ONE and NUMBER TWO -a concern for how our IMAGE impacts the mainstream public's response to us. We, ladies in the world of natural childbirth, have a BIG PROBLEM with trying to make the facts LOOK the way we want them to LOOK instead of actually backing them up in a responsible way. This leaves us vulnerable to attack from folks like, do I dare say her name (?), Amy Tutuer. Here is the article:

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2011/11/help_my_sister_in_law_breast_feeds_her_5_year_old_in_public.html#comments

And here is my response:

"I fully support any woman who wants to breastfeed her child and in whatever fashion she chooses to do so. I personally would not feel comfortable nursing until age 5 but that does not mean others should not. Each mama has her own path as does each child. Who am I to judge? Personally, I worry about it being confusing for the child at that age just because we live in such a overly sexed society (which has been born out of repression!!). At five years old a child is old enough to begin picking up on all of the cues set forth by media and the like. In this way they might begin to sexualize the breast and that might be confusing for them. Maybe not though. I do not know. In the off chance I am right, I would not feel comfortable nursing at 5."

Perhaps I am alone in this. It does not really matter. What matters to me is that the blog where this "rant" was taking place was filled with women ganging up on a man who expressed his feeling that breastfeeding until the age of five was, well, an outrage. This man was only voicing his opinion but the HAWKS of raving hormonal lunacy descended upon him and I now fear he may never go near a vagina again. I mean really. Is it a SHOCK that someone would be outraged by this? Really? What world do you live in? We are going to have to evolve past this sort of "us against them" mentality if we EVER hope to heal birth and babies in this country, never mind the world. Let's be realistic- breastfeeding until the age of five IS AN OUTRAGE for most of our population. This is reality. We are not going to TURN people ON to it or anything else by beating them about the head and shoulders with our breasts. Frankly, breastfeeding until five is sort of an outrage to me and I am inside our tent! I wish we could strike a more balanced, more fair note with the world. Maybe then they would be a bit more responsive to us.

Furthermore, if I see one more BULLSHIT "study" given as a way of backing up a ridiculous claim that in fact HAS NEVER BEEN studied in a responsible and scientific way!!!!! I might have a prenatal hemorrhage. What would Ina May say about what you are writing? Take a minute to ask this before launching please. I am just sayin. This behavior sets our whole movement on its head. CORRELATION does not equal CAUSATION. Period. End of discussion. I appreciate that we all feel passionately. Let us not look like idiots in the heat of our moment. Please. And. Thank you. ~TBM

Reality Check

Well, Thanksgiving is upon us and so is my birthday. I was born on Thanksgiving 33 years ago but because of the calendar year, my birthday only falls on the holiday every few years or so. This year it is the day before Thanksgiving and I guess I want to reflect upon the fact that I have MUCH to be grateful for. I am not where I thought I would be at my age and frankly neither is the world. LOL. That is okay though. Even with depression, fertility drugs (BLECK!!) a career that looks NOTHING like what most careers look like (HA!!) or even what I thought mine would look like- still, my life is pretty damn good. I have people I love well and they love me well too. I have an abundance of joy (when I am open to it). I have glowing health and as much security as one can have in this wacky world. I have had more amazing experiences in my 33 years than many will have in a lifetime. I have an amazing life. Period. And I am grateful. Even when I am not.

Someone in our community lost her eldest son today. He was murdered. My heart just breaks to think of the road our friend has ahead of her. Please keep her diligently in your thoughts and prayers. No mama should ever have to walk the road she is on. Ever.

On the evening of my 15th birthday my best friend's big brother was killed in a car accident. I will never forget that night either.

Both of these losses occurred right before the holidays. This seems to me the cruelest and most grueling time to have to have to endure such trauma. These events have put all "things' into perspective for me in a profound and devastating way. Please count your blessings today. Count your loved ones. Hold them close. This is all we ever have and it is all that will ever matter. ~TBM

The Blues

Well, leave it to me to start a blog during the most difficult time of year. Fall is for me, as Emily Dickinson wrote, full of that "certain slant of light" that seems to push me deep into despair. Okay, perhaps that is a little melodramatic. It causes me to feel distressed? All I know is that donning my slippers and furry bathrobe seems like effort. The days are much shorter, the light across the trees during my early morning walks seems bizarre- fake in cast and hue. The smells are melancholy, the cold air bites the skin. I am able to recognize how beautiful this season is but that recognition does little to help the doldrums. Some sadness from my childhood unresolved? Who knows. I do know I can barely muster the energy for the daily mundane chores- the energy I take for granted when I am feeling like my usual, human self. Unloading the dishwasher, grocery shopping, light cleaning, laundry, the fall plantings... I just want to go to BED!!! I do get them all done, so I am functioning, but not with the joyful gusto I am spoiled with during other times of the year.

So, why did I choose this time to bite off something new and a little daunting? AKA New Blog. Maybe it was hope. Maybe it was optimism. Or both. Either way, I wanted to commit to writing and posting every day but I just do not see this happening. Not until the snow starts flying! So, please be patient...

I am certain that millions of people suffer along with me on this sunlight deprived roller coaster and I guess I would like to say that we all should be extra kind and gentle with ourselves. In my younger days I could be really mean to myself when I would feel this way. I would say hateful, highly critical things. I learned over time that approach never makes things better. These days I just ride it out, knowing it will pass, as it always does. I nap. I eat well. I exercise when I can muster it. I get acupuncture treatments which do seem to help, maybe for no other reason than I feel like I am taking some sort of affirmative action. I love my people and expect them to love me back. I consider myself realistically and honestly when taking on new clients and/ or over extending myself with existing clients. This is very important. The work we do is sacred but it ceases to be when we are running on empty. Then it is at risk to become down right ugly and we become dangerous. Yes. That is what I said. Dangerous. So I chose to tread lightly with myself and I feel this is wise. And the blues? They pass... Sometimes faster. Sometimes slower. After all, I am a work in progress and no one ever said this life was going to be a bed of roses! That is all I have for today. ~TBM

Ladies, Did we shoot ourselves in the foot?

Don't get me wrong. I am not ungrateful for the ladies that went before me, the ladies who paved the way for all of us modern, baby slinging, high heeled and Birkenstock wearing, multi- tasking, multi -careered gals! PHEW. I am tired just typing that! But, I am very grateful. Recently I have become obsessed with Louisa May Alcott. She was, in the purest sense of the word, an early and true feminist. She was married to her writing, fiercely independent and resolved to never marry. She had an iron will and the sort of self discipline that would make an Olympic athlete jealous. She is rapidly becoming my heroine and obsession. But that is an entirely different blog entry. Thank you Louisa. Sidebar. Sorry.

ANYWAY!! Tonight I want to talk about women who do too much. Women who are rapidly becoming "human doings" instead of "human beings" and in that, are losing the very essence of what makes them vibrant and healthy, self actualized humans. This is the breeding ground for mental illness and imbalance. I feel this "human doing" mentality might be an epidemic in the birthing world. We are all dynamic, complex and multi faceted ladies and this is fantastic! But- how many of us are good at sitting still? Good at resting when we need to, taking a break when we should. Do we eat well and carve out time for those vital relationships with one another? Or are we squeezing as much activity and "doing" out of each day with little to no regard for our well being? Are we taking on too many clients out of fear we won't make rent or the mortgage payment when really we should be charging more and taking on less?

I worry and I wonder if we have mistaken the "choice to do anything we want" for "the obligation to do and BE EVERYTHING to everyone". I am quite certain that some of us have fallen into this trap! I know I have at times.

With the advent of feminist thinking I feel the message our society sends is that we must do and be IT ALL. We must have brilliant, well paying careers and Ivy League educations. We must be amazing mothers, Victoria's Secret keeping wives, Martha Stewart chefs and homemakers - WHILE simultaneously conceiving and executing the solution for world hunger. ENOUGH I say! It is just TOO much. What do you think?

Can I get some R-E-S-P-E-C-T... AKA The Money Talk

Ladies and Gentleman,

This topic will be revisited as many times as it takes to change things. I feel this is a nice starting point.

I have learned in my life that it is impossible to demand respect from others if we do not have it for ourselves. Even on a good day, when we are feeling like we have some self respect to spare, there are folks out there who will still try REALLY hard to treat us well, like shit. ( I decided I am going to swear a lot on here. I do not swear in my life so this is great fun for me.)

As midwives, doulas, activists, birth workers and women we must work doubly hard to prove our worth. OH!!! You thought that was all behind us? You thought the seventies had taken care of all of that? HAHAHAHA!!! Then answer me this: why are we so absolutely terrified of money??

Why are we so hesitant to ask for what we are worth? To charge a reasonable rate for the services we provide? Anyone who has been to a birth, (leaning over a tub for hours at a time, hands being squeezed so hard you fear for some moments your bones might shatter -without food or water for long stretches into the night), KNOWS that we earn every red cent we charge. That was the doulas perspective of course. Do not get me started on what the average homebirth midwife makes an hour because it is well... it is PATHETIC.

I recently attended a hospital birth as a doula. It was a failed induction (big surprise) that lasted for four days. FOUR DAYS. I slept in my SUV, (thanking the stars above that I had an SUV and not a Mini Cooper), in the parking lot, in shifts. I cared a great deal for my client. It was her first baby and she was an intellectual. I remember saying to her, "Step away from the book. NOW. Go take a nap. You are walking away from the book." I don't think I need to tell you I spent at least an hour a day with her either via phone or e-mail for weeks and weeks. Which was great because by the time the "birth day" was "scheduled" we were very close and I knew her subtle nuances. This made it easier for me to support her in an intuitive way which is the best way, in my opinion. (We will talk about DONA later)

BUT. I came home exhausted and disheartened because once again I had to watch the "machine" that is hospital birth in action. I had to tolerate the eye rolls and the, "And why are you here exactly? What is a DOULA??" I felt sad and frightened for the future of all the unborn babies and mamas. But mostly I felt exhausted. The kind of drained and sleepy that takes several days to get over. David, my partner thought it would be helpful to point out that after all was said and done I had made about $0.50 an hour for all of my loving care. Thank you honey!! ;) Yes, it is true. Fifty cents. An hour. There were about 30 seconds of time where that knowledge made me feel like a pretty good person. After all, I do this work because I am passionate about it and because I know it is important work. I also know that I am not Mother Theresa and that I do not wish to be a martyr. I know it is not healthy. I know better. The TRUTH of my occupation is this: if I were not blessed with a man in my life who is willing and able to care for us financially and in a certain style, I would be in HUGE trouble. I do not mind telling you that I like the finer things in this life!

Even if I did not though: I, working as a doula full time, would not be in a position to pay the most basic bills required to sustain life on this planet. Perhaps, without David, I would be forced to pick up another job part time, maybe even full time and I am certain I would hate said job and resent that job- which would ultimately detract from my ability to be the doula I am today. Catch 22? Maybe. Maybe not.

I would like to see us begin to truly evaluate our belief systems where money is concerned. What are our beliefs exactly? Do we feel, collectively that if we ask for more money we are bad women? That our values are all effed up? That is we can somehow make a comfortable living as birth workers that we "are in it for the money"? I think all of this is worth some time and consideration. We need more doulas. As it stands there are only a hand full of us who are willing to tolerate things as they are.

As for me: I am ready to stop being afraid of money. I acknowledge that it is part of life and it is VERY MUCH needed in this life. We cannot live without it. Much like air. Do we feel we are bad people for asking for our fair share of healthy, clean air to breathe? Do we all acknowledge that without this air we are doomed to sickness and failure? Not to mention a quality of life that far below sub par? Isn't it sort of the same thing? Yes. It is. So. Let us come together and forge a number we all can live with. When I say "live" I mean, pay our bills and still have enough left over for a facial and some new undies. Maybe a little vacation next year? WOW! What an idea! xox ~TBM

Allow Me To Introduce Myself...

I am here to talk about birth, life, death and everything in between -with a special focus on woman's issues. I am passionate about homebirth and midwifery and I wish to forge new ground in these areas. Specifically, I want to discuss how we might all come together to create the sort of cooperative action needed to effect real change and to heal birth in our world. I am the Founder of B.I.R.T.H. Federation, (Bringing International Recognition to Homebirth) a not- for -profit organization dedicated to informing the public about the choices every woman should have regarding her pregnancy, child birthing and post partum care. Although B.I.R.T.H. Federation is still very much in it's early conception I have big plans and tall hopes for it. I have studied birth extensively and I have apprenticed to be a midwife. I do not practice midwifery for many reasons- some of which you will encounter as subject matter on this blog. I consider myself a doula first and a midwife second. I feel we must first master the art of being a doula before we can even dream of being effective midwives.

I am also the keeper of my hearth, a wife and hopefully a mother someday. My partner and I have been trying for several years to conceive a child. I am a business woman, a writer, a cook, a gardener, an animal lover and a world traveler. I keep free range chickens. I love the idea of living in a self sustaining way but I am far from that goal! I invite you all to join in discussion and to share about yourselves. Come here to rant, to blow off steam, to love, to hate, to cry and always to laugh! Be forewarned though-I am going to raise some pretty heated issues. Cheers. ~TBM